New Potions Professor
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: Professor James Potter is going to learn you some Potions!


Title: New Potions Professor

Summary: Professor James Potter is going to learn you some Potions!

Notes: Another Professor James humor fic. I was thinking of maybe doing other classes as well, but I'm not sure how I'll pull them off. Divination may be funny, though, if I do it.

The four Marauders headed down to the dungeons, feeling slightly bored. But James quickly found a way to overcome that.

"Professor Slughorn," he announced as the four of them filed in the classroom, the last ones to do so, "Professor McGonagall wanted to speak to you. She's on the seventh floor."

Professor Slughorn looked wary. No, he looked more like he was thinking that if McGonagall wanted to speak to him then she would come down herself and not make him climb so many stairs.

"Are you sure?" he asked James, who nodded eagerly.

Slughorn continued to stare at James until every last bit of him was out the door.

"What are you planning?" Lily asked James, her eyes narrowing into slits.

"I'm going to teach Potions!"

There was a cry of "NO!" from every side of the classroom, and then the sound of students scrambling out of their seats and making for the door. But James was faster.

He flicked his wand, shutting the door and magically sealing it. There was a heavy thud as several students hit the door and fell to the floor.

"As I said," James began, heading to the front of the classroom and picking up a piece of chalk, "I will be teaching you to make a potion today. Instead of Sluggy. Come on!" he added, catching the nervous looks his fellow students were exchanging. "It'll be fun!"

Nobody else seemed to think this would be fun. Not even Sirius, who watched as James wrote random ingredients and measurements on the board.

"And what do you call your potion?" he asked, leaning his chair back on two legs.

"The... Fagiggly Potion." James said, nodding as though he knew what he was speaking of.

"And what are you going to do if we all die or something?"

James was silent for a minute. Then he grinned and said, "You'll all be heroes!"

It appeared that nobody wanted to be a hero. But James dragged his cauldron and ingredients to the front of the classroom and began to measure out beetle eyes. When he glanced up, no one else was making an effort to do anything.

"Do it!" he said with a violent hiss.

"And what if we don't want to?" demanded a heavy-set Slytherin girl. She drew out her wand, but James was far too quick. He summoned everyone's wand to him, conjured up a box, tossed every wand beside his own inside, and sealed it.

So it appeared everyone had no choice but to make James's potion.

"Now stir!" he called after everyone had added beetle eyes, a drop or two or dragon's blood, and for some reason, pumpkin juice.

Everyone obeyed, though very unwillingly. To nearly everyone's surprise, it did not blow up. Instead, the "potion" turned a pale green.

"Wow." James said to himself. "That worked!"

He received a group glare for that.

But he ignored them and threw in several random ingredients, including an old dirty sock and a week-old copy of _The Daily Prophet._

There was no telling where he found his "ingredients".

After several long minutes stirring clockwise, counter-clockwise, clockwise again, then letting their creations simmer, the class was full of a strange-smelling fog.

James cast his mind around for one final ingredient. Finally, he grabbed the knife he had used to cut up several hairy caterpillars and cut off a small lock of his own hair.

Bad move.

His potion exploded, as everyone was expecting it to do nearly a half hour ago. The entire class was covered with this thick, sticky purple goo.

"Eww..." Lily groaned. "James!"

James gave her a grin, but before he could say anything, Sirius cleared his throat and pointed to the door, which had been blown off its hinges by the force of the explosion.

The class filed out as quickly as they could, save for Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus.

"I hope this comes off." Sirius began, trying to pull a large wad of purple goo out of his hair. "For your sake."

"So Potions aren't my thing," James began as the four left the classroom, leaving it in the sorry purple state it was in, "there's always History of Magic, Transfiguration, Charms -- "

"JAMES POTTER!"

"Um..." James looked wary as he heard Professor McGonagall's favorite shriek. "It was Peter!" He took off running to the Gryffindor Common Room, though he could not outrun the seven consecutive detentions she gave him once he appeared in the Great Hall that evening.


End file.
